I was reading about how Neil Young had brain surgery a few years ago -- he had, I think, an aneurysm in his brain.  The aneurysm was going to burst, and if it did, it would do severe damage to his brain.  So a brain surgeon went in there and dealt with the aneurysm: I'm not sure what the surgeon did, but he dealt with it.  The operation was in 2005, I think; it's 2010 now, and Young is doing fine.  Like he never had an aneurysm at all.

Well.  I don't know what sort of doctor dealt with Neil's aneurysm-thing, but i know this: if I ever need to have brain surgery, I want to have a beer with my surgeon first and then decide if I want for him to touch the inside of my brain.  Why?  Because I don't want just anyone sawing a hole in my skull.  I want someone whom I can relate to: someone real, someone who's like me (I drive a dump truck for a living), someone who is an Islanders fan, someone who doesn't drink beverages derived from espresso.  Like I said: someone real, like me.  I want a fucking doctor who knows who the starting quarterback is for the fucking Jets.

And I don't think that's too much to ask.  I don't.

In fact, I'm going to ask for more.  I would like it very much, for example, if my brain surgeon wasn't sure where my cerebral cortex was.  Don't get me wrong: I'd want for him to have the Internet nearby so he could look that shit up on Wikipedia!  But my point is this: there's such a thing as being too much of a god-damn know-it-all.  You know?  I mean, do you know where the word "Ivy League" comes from?  Do you?  (I don't, actually.  But I'm reasonably sure it's something faggoty and un-American and gay.)

And you know what else?  To be totally honest, and you may argue with me on this one, but I'd prefer it if my brain surgeon didn't wash his hands before going into my brain.  Yes, it's true that modern so-called "science" tells us that you don't want to introduce dirt into the human body while you're in there fixing things.  To which I say, okay, maybe, but if I need brain surgery, then I need it now.  Not after my surgeon has retired to the powder room for fifteen minutes to wash his hands and freshen up and call his BMW dealer on his mobile phone.  My point is, "I need brain surgery now, so let's do it now: not later, but now."  And you're saying that this seems like a "shoot first and ask questions later" approach?  Well here's what I'm saying: what questions?  Let's go.

Here's what else.  I would like -- laugh it up, but I would like -- for my surgeon to have a few malpractice suits under his belt, preferably malpractice suits in which my surgeon was found to have committed malpractice while working on someone's brain.  (Someone else's.)  Why?  Two reasons: first, he's going to be a lot more careful in there than someone who's never been sued for malpractice!  Second: is it not the height of arrogance for someone who doesn't know how to perform brain surgery to sue someone else for not knowing how to perform brain surgery?

It's for all of these reasons that I'm not sure why my brain surgeon needs to be an M.D.  But that's the law: not just anyone can say they're a brain surgeon; you have to have graduated from college, and medical school, and then you have to have been an intern, and then a resident, and then you have to assist other people who do brain surgery for several years -- like, when the more "experienced" (what about life experience???) surgeon says, "scalpel!", you have to hand him the scalpel or whatever -- and then finally, you can call yourself a "brain surgeon."

Well: I don't like it; I don't like it at all, but it's the law, and elitists (there, I said it, and I'll say it again: elitists) protect their own, so I don't see this law changing anytime soon; it could very well still be in place when I need my brain surgery, which I hope I never need, but if I do.  (Why I don't like it: because what kind of fuckwad do you have to be to spend a decade or more over-educating yourself just so you can put the initials "M.D." after your name?  I mean, I'm an incredibly open-minded person, so just tell me: am I missing something?)

Anyway, since there aren't any brain surgeons who aren't M.D.s, here's what I want instead: I want for my brain surgeon to have graduated last in has class -- or, second- or third-to-last would be alright -- from one of the bottom three medical schools in the U.S.

And if you want to know the truth, I would like for him to be a habitual user of crystal meth and/or jet fuel.  I would ask, yes, that he refrain from "using" for a few hours before the operation, although it would be okay with me if he took the edge off by putting away a few forties while pretending to be in the bathroom washing his hands, as long as he felt that he'd still be able to see and ideally hear during the tricky parts of the operation.

Also, I would like for him to be an undiagnosed schizophrenic.

And now you're laughing, and guess what: laugh it up!  The thing is, perhaps it's not as important to me as it is to you that my brain surgeon be "competent," because who decides "competent"?  The elites do.  The mainstream elitist media won't tell you this, because they protect their own.  For god's sake: there's a whole list of things you have to know how to do before you can call yourself a brain surgeon, but guess who made up that list?  Go ahead, guess.

Elite elitists.  Members of the elitist elite who perpetuate their elite status by means of elitism, preventing you from being a member of their elite little club that you wouldn't want to be a member of anyway by instituting rules such as: You have to have gone to medical school in order to call yourself a medical doctor.

Or: You can't be a brain surgeon unless you are familiar with the different parts of the brain, and the different cuts you have to make in there.

Or: It is not acceptable for a brain surgeon to perform brain surgery under the influence of methamphetamine, even if it's just to be more "on" during the operation.

Look: you tell me what makes a good brain surgeon.  Education, intelligence, temperament, experience?  You're delusional.  People like you will be the end if this great country as we know it, you elitist, fucking, pig.